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Congrats Blog Oscar Extravaganza!

Hello, my pets and welcome to CB's Oscar Extravaganza. While I won't be "live blogging," I'll be keeping track of the twists and turns that Oscar brings and giving you a running tally of what's happening as the thoughts come to me. I'm at my friend Bug's house, where I have the lovely Angel acting as my wingman at the annual Snarkademy Awards. Drinks will be flowing, and the snarky comments will be flying, so grab a glass of champagne, sit back and enjoy the show.

We're at pre-show red carpet now.

Bug just commented that Regis comes up to George Clooney's nipples. Is he standing on a box? George's girlfriend, Sarah Larson has to be the luckiest girl in the world. Las Vegas cocktail waitresses everywhere -- look your best -- you never know.

Again...why, why, why is Miley Cyrus an Oscar presenter? I mean, she's adorable and talented, but...why? Oh right, Disney owns ABC, ABC is hosting the Oscars...I swear, I'm not a cynic.

Helen Mirren...you look beautiful. Cameron Diaz, stop talking. Ellen Page, you crazy cute pixie...are you tired of people asking if you celebrated your 21st birthday? She's not going to be the next Lindsay Lohan, E! Red Carpet Team. Move on. Are there no more stars? Why are we going to Bill Conti, the man behind the Oscar orchestra?

Ok, Reege, Dancing with the Starts host and random entertainment reporter, enough of you...on with the show! Good luck, Jon Stewart -- you and the writers had about a week and a half to get your best jokes together. Let's hope you had Bruce Villanch on your team.

Heh.

-- On Javier Barden's performance which captures: "Hannibal Lecter's murderousness with Dorothy Hamill's wedge cut."
-- "Diablo Cody was once an exotic dancer and now is an Oscar-nominated screenwriter (for Juno). I hope you're enjoying the pay cut."

Not bad, writers. The strike did ya good.

The first congratulations of the night goes to...Alexandra Byrne for Elizabeth, the Golden Age. The next one goes to the ladies and the gay men in the house for getting to see George Clooney so soon in the show...sigh.

Ratatouille wins. Katherine Heigl is really nervous announcing the makeup category, poor thing. La Vie en Rose wins.

If it's OK with you, I'm going to dispense with the "lesser" Oscars now, no offense to the recipients. First acting award! Previous winners reel, lots of white people, Cuba Gooding, Junior who won for Jerry Maguire and went on to such honorable roles in...Daddy Day Camp.

Congrats, Javier Bardem. You were a scary-ass bastard in No Country for Old Men.

Bug thinks Keri Russell looks like Nancy Reagan and has arm pits that look like a woman's reproductive parts. We've had a few drinks at this point, and think everything we say is hilarious.

Aw, Owen Wilson. We're glad you're still with us, buddy. We can't wait for Wedding Crashers 2.

Supporting Actress. Tight race, but the Brits are the favorites. Which one will it be? Ruby Dee seems very impressed. With herself. Tilda Swinton wins it. The Chronic...What?!?..cles of Naria!

Best Adapted Screenplay goes to No Country for Old Men. Well-deserved.

Academy teaches us the ins and outs of the ballot process. Fascinating.

Working on the Bourne Ultimatum is a sound mixer's / editor's dream!

Best Actress! Cate Blanchett looks terrified by her own performance as Elizabeth I. I love all these actresses so much. Big Upset! Marion Cotillard wins as Edith Pilaf in La Vie en Rose. Good one, Bex and Mom...this was the big shocker of the night. Way to have your finger on the pulse.

Glen Hansard and Markéta Irglová perform "Falling Slowly" from Once. They win the award. This is the most moving film of the year. If you haven't seen it...move it up to the top of your Netflix queue now.

In memoriam reel. Still breaks my heart to see Heath Ledger. Breaks. my. heart.

Original screenplay: Diablo Cody for Juno. No surprises there. Ellen Page got the double hand grab from Diablo on her way to the podium and passed right by Jennifer Garner who was eagerly on the edge of her seat waiting for her "good actor" treat from Diablo. Denied!

Lead actor. Again, Helen Mirren is freakin' gorgeous. Daniel Day Lewis wins. He kneels in front of the Queen, and she dubs him Sir Acts-a-lot.

Directing: Joel and Ethan Coen. There's Frannie, Joel's wife. These people should make a movie every week.

And the big one -- picture: No Country for Old Men.

Well, that does it, darlings. Oscar was predictable, down to the 1-2 shockers of the evening and at least one awful song of the in the mix. Thanks, Bug, for the terrific soiree. See you at the after parties...

Why do I even KNOW this song?

I cannot get the Miley Cyrus song, "See you Again" out of my head. Seriously, this is not my demographic. I'm not an 11-year old girl, nor am I someone you'd see on To Catch a Predator. Yet constantly over the last 2 days, all I hear is:

The next time we hang out
I will redeem myself
My heart it can't rest 'till then
(oh whoa oh whoa oh whoa)
I can't wait...to see you again.

Mile Cyrus / Hannah Montana is a freakin' phenomenon thanks to the Disney machine (successfully churning out child stars since the 1920s!), but I fear that she will go the way of the Lohan. I feel like the transition is already happening; like Hollywood super-agents have already swooped in, snatched her from Billy Ray Cyrus and said "thanks for raising her up until this point. We'll take it from here." Case in point: why do I know so much about this girl? She's 15. I don't watch the Disney Channel...often. I don't subscribe to Tiger Beat. I read mature, adult magazines like People and Us and when I flip the pages I expect mature, adult news, dammit!

So congratulations, youngsters. You're experiencing what is known as "the tipping point" of this talented young gal's career. She's right on the fence now, so let's hope she takes the path of boring, old Natalie Portman.

Change...You've Come a Long Way, Baby!

Congratulations to change!  You're really kicking the ass of your rival, status quo. We haven't seen you since the last election cycle, but every time you step into the ring, we realize how much we missed you. How without you, we were just going through the motions. Change! That's what I need! Change will help me hold onto my house in this ever looming crisis, and by God, it will certainly motivate me to stop watching VH1-Celebreality long enough to figure out where I invest my money for the retirement that social security won't be covering. By the way -- and I'm not the only person to note this -- Bret Michaels is rapidly morphing into Goldie Hawn. Every rose has it's thorn, indeed.

Lest you think I'm heading down a depressing road, my little change agents, I offer you this: CB officially endorses Barack Obama. In the 2004 election, the Democrats had John Kerry and the common sound bite from that party's voters was: "John Kerry? Well, I'm not really into him, but I'd vote for a ham sandwich over GW."

But every once in a while a candidate speaks to you. Yes, Obama is standing for change and yes, he's change we can believe in, but as with any election you pick that horse that you think can carry you over finish line and maybe, just maybe, gives that extra something that makes you hopeful and proud. And in this election, we need a freaking Seabiscuit.

Narcissism, Thy Name is…Wait, What was I Talking about? My Reflection Distracted Me.

My friends and I are conceited.  This recently dawned on me when we were playing a game where the objective was to anonymously answer innocuous questions and then guess who said what.  One question: "what would you ask a psychic?" yielded responses ranging from "will I be this pretty forever?" to "will I still be this awesome 10 years from now?"  Not one of us was surprised by the lack of humility; instead we thought: that's a fair question.  And, well, probably.

On another evening, we were exploring the "what if" questions perplexing only the most bored at heart, when someone asked: what's the first thing you'd do if you had the opportunity to be the opposite sex for one day.  Granted, not the most original "what if" question, but the answer my friend B gave was: "I'd have sex with myself," she said.  She explained that not only was it highly important for her to know how she was in the sack, but it was equally important to know that she'd be as good in bed as a man as she simply knew she was as the fairer gender.  We didn't debate the rationale; rather, we pondered whether the genie-like rules would allow one to actually exist as their current sex and still be their same soul as the opposite sex simultaneously.

So congratulations big-headed divas everywhere!  Your unwillingness to see yourself as anything other than fabulous (and exercise your right to throw your cell phones at the help) is an inspiration to us all.  But then again, you knew that, didn't you gorgeous?

Exciting News in the World of Blogging!

This just in!  I've decided to start a blog.  In 2008.  This is very exciting news for my friends an family who will feel obligated to check in once and a while and bathe in the warmth of my words. You see, I'm going to try my hand at writing something that doesn't involve the following words or phrases...

Human Capital

Value Proposition

Facilitate

Paradigm

Stove-piped

Competencies

Business Process Re-engineering

 

...and I figured practice makes perfect.  

I can't promise that I'll always write good, ahem, well.  I can only promise that I'll write something at least once per week along the theme that the blog title suggests: congratulating a well-deserving recipient(s) of praise.

So...congratulations friends and family of me!  You're about to get an all too intimate understanding of the inner workings of my brain.